ADULTERY WITHOUT SHAME

As a sexologist, I help my clients create the best possible sex life. Often, it is their relationship that stands in the way of them achieving that goal.

It is not common for a sexologist to help clients with infidelity. Most people would say that infidelity is unethical, but they forget that many relationships are based on behavior that is even more unethical. Some of my clients, for example, are subjected to excessive control, manipulation, a culture of silence, belittlement, and sexual neglect. Reducing infidelity to something unambiguously unethical and harmful means that we overlook the fact that some people are unfaithful in order to survive on a sensual level – or to regain freedom, dignity and desire. That is why, for many years, I have supported and helped clients who are unfaithful to deal with guilt and the problems that arise when you have multiple partners.

Unethical relationships

Between 40 and 50% of the population is unfaithful at some point in their lives, and the reasons vary greatly. Some have partners who forbid them from having fantasies, watching pornography, or having friends of the opposite sex. This kind of deprivation of freedom undermines self-esteem, social skills, and sexual desire. Some of my clients have chosen to be unfaithful after many years of involuntary celibacy – either because their partner has lost interest in sex or because their sexual preferences do not match their partner's.

We say that those who cheat are guilty of hiding the truth, but the responsibility for honesty in a relationship does not always lie solely with the cheater. Several of my clients have partners who refuse to talk about sex or outright refuse to engage in honest and necessary conversations about their relationship. In other cases, infidelity occurs because the attraction or respect in the relationship has disappeared. Several of my clients have chosen to be unfaithful because their partner had become an alcoholic or had given up taking care of themselves. One female client believed for several years that she had become asexual, but discovered during an affair that her desire was still intact. The problem turned out to be that she was no longer attracted to her partner, who had become severely overweight and had stopped taking care of his hygiene.

When we talk about infidelity as unethical, we also overlook the people who are stuck in arranged marriages. Many of them have never felt attracted to their partner and are culturally or religiously prevented from getting divorced. For them, infidelity may be the only option for having a sex life.

Individual infidelity

For some of my clients, infidelity is not about problems in their relationship, but about their own desires and nature. Studies show that a good 20% of the population is unfaithful without wanting to live differently. Some simply find that they are not monogamous by nature, but live with a partner who does not want an open relationship. Others are in well-functioning and seemingly “perfect” relationships, but cannot feel themselves and therefore break the monotony by seeking excitement in the forbidden. There is also a group that has a definite infidelity fetish – they are turned on by the secret, the shameful, or the unethical. For them, secrecy is part of the desire, which paradoxically means that an open relationship would kill the very energy they seek.

Chemical infidelity

Another category of infidelity arises when the chemistry between two people takes over. Some of my clients have never planned to be unfaithful, but suddenly experience an overwhelming attraction that undermines their control. This kind of chemistry can feel so strong that you lose all inhibitions and forget your ideals. In my view, you are already unfaithful the moment the desire arises. Paradoxically, acting on the desire on a physical level can lead to the tension dissolving and the balance with your regular partner being restored. Suppressing one's desires can leave a lingering longing that, in the long run, can be more damaging to the relationship with one's regular partner than the act itself.

The desire for infidelity is healthy

In our culture, we celebrate relationships and view weddings as festive occasions, celebrating when a couple has been together for a long time. Couples therapists usually say that it is good to stay together and that infidelity should be avoided at all costs. Therefore, many of my clients believe that there is something wrong with them if they feel like being unfaithful. However, studies show that over 70% of the population would be unfaithful if they could do so without causing problems in their relationship. In other words, it is more common to be attracted to infidelity than to monogamy. We can therefore conclude that there is a greater likelihood that something is wrong if you do not feel like being unfaithful.

In my opinion, it is not a big mystery that so many people want to be unfaithful. A stable relationship is based on a mix of emotional ties, obligations, dependence, jealousy, habits, expectations, or fear of loss. Many people feel they have more space and freedom when they have sex outside their stable relationship. An affair is often frictionless and therefore provides an opportunity to let go of shame, experiment, live out fantasies, and gain new perspectives on one's sexual profile and abilities.

90% of the population has desires they are ashamed of. Shame creates internal conflicts that lead to performance anxiety, loss of desire, and an inability to articulate fantasies, needs, and boundaries. The fact that so many people have “forbidden” desires is because humans are good at systematizing their lives and creating conformist lives where intimacy begins to run on autopilot. Forbidden sexual desires are the sand in the gears that forces the chaos needed to break with routines and create space for emotional and sexual development.

The benefits of infidelity

When therapists talk about infidelity, they usually focus on the negative aspects. However, many of my clients feel that infidelity has led to something positive. For one thing, most of them have more energy, better sex, and more space to live out their desires and fantasies. In addition, many have increased their sexual and emotional self-awareness and have become better at standing up for their needs and desires. I also have clients for whom infidelity led to them overcoming depression or finding true love for the first time. Furthermore, there are many for whom infidelity led to the crisis they needed in order to break out of a stagnant and destructive relationship.

Revealed infidelity

When infidelity is revealed, it can lead to chaos and breakups, but also to significant conscious development. The revelation of infidelity is a reality check that forces a couple to let go of their illusions. Letting go of illusions usually results in an existential shock, but it also provides an opportunity to break habits, expectations, and considerations that one normally has toward one's partner. If a couple wants to find each other again after infidelity, it is important that they see that their relationship is a dynamic created by two people and that they therefore both have a responsibility. This means that they must be able to work together and refrain from trying to define one as the victim and the other as the villain. A relationship in which you share responsibility not only when things are going well but also when they are going badly usually only grows stronger as a result of a crisis.

Help with infidelity

Being unfaithful is not an ideal lifestyle and usually means that you have more to work on or struggle with in your sex and love life than others. That is why few people need professional help more than those who are unfaithful. Infidelity requires attention to detail. Not only do you have to balance multiple relationship dynamics while establishing alibis, dealing with shame and guilt, covering your tracks, remembering what you said to whom, and using your phone, credit card, computer, and calendar correctly. In addition, living a double life often leads to a loss of identity, loneliness, and a great deal of confusion.

Whether you are unfaithful, or you and your partner want to have an open relationship or get back together after infidelity, I offer confidential conversations and help. Our meetings take place at a discreet address. I do not keep records of my clients, and everyone is of course welcome to remain anonymous.