What is an open relationship?
PRACTICAL SEXOLOGY IN COPENHAGEN
More Freedom and Honesty
By Carsten Graff
An open relationship is a relationship where both partners are free to have sexual or romantic relationships with others. Unlike infidelity, open relationships are based on consent and agreements between the parties involved.
TYPES OF OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
There are hundreds of approaches to creating an open relationship. Some share everything and others share almost nothing. I have seen examples of couples who have been in an open relationship for 20 years - without ever having had other partners. For such couples, an open relationship is more about honesty than about having relationships with others. I have also met couples who have an agreement that one is monogamous and the other has other partners. If we were to divide open relationships into some categories, we could talk about the following:
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Emotionally open relationships, where the parties can form close bonds or romantic relationships with others.
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Sexually open relationships, where the parties are allowed to have sex with others, but not create close relationships.
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A family with more than two people. So-called polyhouseholds where you live with other partners under the same roof.
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Separate erotic lives. Some choose to stay together in a sexless relationship, but make an agreement that they will have sex with other partners instead.
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Shared sexual experiences with others. A relationship where both partners have sex with others, but where they do it as a shared activity - for example, in a sex club.
In addition to that, there are a multitude of ways, for example, where you agree to choose each other's partners, where both must approve new partners, and so on. So there is no fixed formula. A good open relationship is characterized by being suitable for the people who live in it.
How common are open relationships?
Research from several Western countries shows that a significant portion of the population has at some point tried or considered some form of non-monogamous relationship. Around 90% have fantasies that involve someone other than their regular partner. This raises the question of whether humans are made for monogamy. However, many who want an open relationship are not focused on sex, but on finding a way of life that better suits their values and personality. Research does not suggest that people in open relationships generally love their partners less. The key difference is often about how people understand fidelity and freedom, and how much they prioritize honesty.
Rules and agreements
Many people think that open relationships are about more freedom and fewer rules. The reality is often the opposite. The more freedom a relationship has, the more important it becomes:
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Communication
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Agreements
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Honesty
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Self-insight
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The ability to set boundaries
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The ability to handle uncertainty
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Responsibility for one's own emotions
An open relationship rarely solves problems in a bad relationship. But in a strong relationship, it can act as a catalyst for personal growth and greater emotional awareness and sexual responsibility and maturity.
PRACTICAL SEXOLOGY COPENHAGEN
The 10 Most Common Questions About Open Relationships
If you ignore the sensational stories and instead start from the questions that ordinary couples typically ask when they first consider an open relationship, they are often these:
1. Is there something wrong with wanting an open relationship?
Many people think that the desire for an open relationship is a symptom of a bad relationship. Sometimes it is. Other times, the desire arises precisely in strong relationships where you feel safe enough to explore more freedom.
2. Doesn't an open relationship just create a lot of jealousy?
It can, and jealousy is probably the most common problem in open relationships. When jealousy arises, however, it's not about getting rid of it, but about finding solutions, making agreements, and learning to deal with the feeling. Some open relationships are precisely about learning to overcome jealousy and learning to trust each other more.
3. What if my partner falls in love with someone else?
For many, this is the biggest fear. It is often less about sex and more about the fear of losing your significance or being abandoned. However, falling in love is often a short-lived feeling, and if you have a strong and loving relationship with your partner, you usually only lose each other if jealousy and anger take over.
4. Can an open relationship save a troubled relationship?
Open relationships tend to reinforce existing dynamics. If trust is already low, problems often become more severe. However, if the problem is that you have reached a sexual standstill, an open relationship can create more energy and desire – including for your steady partner.
5. Where is the line between openness and infidelity?
Infidelity is usually not about sex, but about dishonesty and breaking agreements. Therefore, it is possible to be unfaithful in an open relationship.
6. What rules should we have?
When I have new couples in the clinic who want an open relationship, they often ask what rules they should agree on. To be able to answer this question, we first need to look at their boundaries, goals and desires. Then we make the rules so that they (as best as possible) suit both parties.
7. What do we do if one wants more than the other?
This is extremely common. Often it is not the freedom itself that creates problems, but the difference in pace, needs and motivation. An open relationship is not about being the same. As previously mentioned, there are couples who choose for one to live monogamously and the other to have other partners. For example, if one is sick and has lost the ability or desire for sex, it is a beautiful gesture to give the partner the freedom to have sex with others.
8. What if one gets many opportunities and the other none?
Many people fear that one partner cannot find a partner and the other is obsessed. Such an imbalance can affect self-esteem or the relationship. This can be a real problem that both parties have to deal with. If you are the obsessed partner who is in control of dating, it can sometimes be a good idea to take on the role of your partner's dating coach.
9. What do children, family and friends say?
Many people find that the social pressure is greater than the actual challenges in the relationship. Therefore, it is common and completely natural not to show that one has chosen an open relationship.
10. How do we know if an open relationship is right for us?
The most important question of all. No one makes a choice, it can be a good idea to do some small experiments. For example, you can choose to meet with potential partners and talk about things. We also have a number of couples who come to our clinic and get an introduction to how to create both a safe and intimate space between more than two people.
