HOW I GOT RID OF JEALOUSY

Jealousy is a feeling that always gives you the opposite of what you want. By letting go of that feeling, you will always get what you want.

JEALOUSY & LOVE

Many people believe that jealousy is synonymous with love. If you don't feel jealous, it's because you don't love your partner enough. However, the opposite is true. Love is a healing feeling based on selflessly giving freedom to the one you love, while jealousy is a feeling that means you try to restrict your partner's freedom.

    When I started dating as a teenager, I had major problems with jealousy. This naturally created many conflicts, which meant that my relationships usually ended quickly. As I got older, I realized that I couldn't have a healthy and strong love and sex life unless I learned to deal with jealousy.

MY PERSONAL JEALOUSY SCHOOL

To learn to let go of jealousy, I spent many years studying the emotion. When it arose, I took ownership of it and made sure not to blame others. Over the years, stubbornly refusing to see the person who triggered the emotion as the villain and myself as the victim helped me become better and better at accommodating the emotion. However, if you want to train your ability to embrace jealousy and take ownership of the feeling, you need a partner who triggers the feeling. In this way, my girlfriends often became a kind of teacher, showing me aspects of my possessiveness that I worked on learning to deal with.

One of the women who taught me the most about jealousy was Kate. Kate was a beautiful and intelligent woman who always said exactly what she thought. After she and I had been together for a few years, we moved into an apartment in the city. At that point, our relationship had become a bit routine, but we loved each other and wanted to stay together—even though the sexual spark had faded somewhat.

THE BIG CHALLENGE

One of the times Kate challenged my ability to handle jealousy was one evening when she came home from work looking unusually energetic. It had been a long time since I had seen her so happy and beautiful, and as we sat down in the living room, I asked her what had happened.

“On my way home from work, I was stopped by a gorgeous man who started complimenting me,” she said happily. "The man's name was Peter, and he ended up persuading me to go to a café for coffee. Peter is a contractor and quite wealthy and interesting to talk to. Even though I told him I have a boyfriend, he still asked for my number."

“Interesting,” I said, noting that I felt a pang of jealousy. “Would you like to see him again?”

“If you don't mind,” she said, studying my face.

“Hmmm...,” I said. “There's no doubt that I've become jealous, and as you know, that's a feeling I want to get better at dealing with. It sounds like Peter will give me plenty of opportunities to practice.”

    Kate was very grateful for my openness, and she continued to be in high spirits for the rest of the day. Before we went to sleep, we had passionate sex for the first time in a long time. The next day, we were sitting in the living room enjoying ourselves while watching a movie when Kate's phone rang.

“I don't recognize the number,” Kate said tensely. “Maybe it's Peter?”

“Probably,” I said. “Can I take it?”

“Why?” she asked, frowning.

“If I talk to him and hear his voice, it will be easier for me to let go of my jealousy,” I explained.

“Okay...” she said hesitantly, “but don't scare him away.”

“Of course not,” I said. “That would ruin my chance to practice.”

When I took Kate's phone, I introduced myself, and the phone was immediately hung up. I then dialed the number, and the phone was answered without anyone saying anything on the other end.

“Is this Peter?” I asked. “I'm Kate's boyfriend and I want to thank you.”

“Ehhmm ...” said a voice. “What do you mean, thank me?”

“When you met Kate on the street, you boosted her self-esteem,” I said. “When she came home, she looked amazing. She clearly needed compliments from a man other than me.”

“Okay...” Peter said slowly, thinking for a moment, “but aren't you angry that I'm calling?”

“No,” I said. “I've been practicing not being jealous for many years. I hear you're both rich and good-looking. If you and Kate start seeing each other, I'll have plenty of opportunities to practice.”

“But aren't you afraid I'll disappear with her?” Peter asked.

“That would be a shame, of course,” I said, “but I don't want to be with a woman who would rather be with another man. So this is also a good test of the strength of our relationship.”

MY RULES

When Peter and Kate started dating, Kate underwent a major change. For one thing, she began to take more care of herself than before. In addition to buying nice lingerie, she also started working out, and when we hung out together, she was much happier and more relaxed than I had seen her in a long time. At the same time, I had to go back to school and work pretty hard on my ability to deal with jealousy.

Almost everyone experiences jealousy differently and has different reactions to the feeling. Personally, I get jealous when I can't feel my partner's love or her intentions. When that happens, the feeling starts telling me all sorts of things that are often not true. Maybe it says she doesn't love me, that she wants to leave me, or that she laughs at me behind my back. If I get very jealous, the feeling can run wild, and when that happens, it can settle as a pain in my stomach that can become almost unbearable to contain. In situations like that, it usually helps if I go for a long run.

    To prevent my jealousy from getting out of hand, I had agreed on some rules that Kate had to follow when she was with Peter. We agreed that Kate could only meet Peter within an agreed time frame. If I needed to talk to her, I could also call her, and if I called, she would always answer—even if she and Peter were together. The fact that Kate was always so honest and that she was 100% committed to our agreement meant that I avoided the really big lows. Every time she had been with Peter, I also needed to hear all the details. That way, it felt like Peter was my and Kate's joint project, which also had a positive influence on my ability to cope with jealousy. At first, I had to work on myself quite a bit, but after a month or so, I was able to relax more. For one thing, it was clear that Kate was very grateful for the trust I showed her, which meant that she became more affectionate than I had seen her in a long time. Against that backdrop, it also became quite clear that she had no intention of leaving me. It also helped that Kate told me she would give me the same freedom if I met a woman I wanted to be with.

A SURPRISING DEVELOPMENT

However, after Kate and Peter had been seeing each other for a few months, something happened that changed everything.

“It's interesting with Peter,” Kate said one evening when she came home after a date. “As a man, he has it all, but there's something about him that I don't like.”

“Let me hear it,” I said.

“When I'm with you, we can talk about anything,” Kate said, “but when I'm with Peter, there are a lot of taboos. For example, if I say something positive about you, he gets in a bad mood. It creates an awkward atmosphere, which makes it difficult to be completely honest with him.”

“But can't you just say negative things about me?” I suggested.

“I don't want to,” she said. "I love you and I want Peter to understand why. I'm not sure I can handle being with a man who wants to be treated like a child who needs to be protected from reality. Tonight I confronted him with the problem and then we started arguing."

“Maybe you need couples therapy,” I said.

“Hmm...” she said, thinking for a moment. “I think it might help if we talked to someone who could give us both space to speak freely.”

“If you like, the three of us could meet,” I suggested. “Then I'll help you talk through the conflict properly.”

When Kate met Peter next, she tried again to talk to him about her concerns about their relationship, but the conversation went nowhere. When she then suggested that they use me as their couples therapist, things went completely wrong. Not only did Peter become depressed, but when they tried to have sex later that evening, he couldn't get an erection. A few days later, Kate called Peter and broke up with him.

“Peter is probably the most handsome man I've ever been with,” she said when we sat down to talk about it one evening. “But now I know that money and looks don't matter to me if a man has low self-esteem.”