Hooray! My Wife Is Pregnant by Another Man

By Carsten Graff

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When I met Leonora, we were both lost in the intensity of a passionate romance. Every day, we would spend hours making love or be absorbed in long, exploratory conversations, leaving little time to sleep. Five years later, we had two small kids and lived in my old house with a garden near Copenhagen. Passion and romance had been replaced with the monotonous routines of a traditional family. From early morning to late night, I was engaged in an endless line of mundane tasks, draining me bit by bit while not giving me a second to consider if this was the life I wanted. Each night when getting into bed beside Leonora, I wasn’t just physically exhausted but also felt emotionally numb. Finding the energy to make love to her had become impossible.

I didn’t know it yet, but soon my life would be turned upside down and everything I considered familiar would become part of my past!

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THE SHOCK
On the day when everything changed, Leonora and I were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast with the kids. The night before, she had been out until late, and during breakfast, she was in a great mood. As soon as the kids had left the table, she bluntly told me that she had fallen in love with another guy. The guy’s name was Josh, and she had met him at a yoga class a few weeks earlier. Last night they had been partying together and, on the way home, they had made love in a park. While she shared the steamy details of her new romance, I remained calm, trying to get a grip on the situation. Not sure if this meant the end of our relationship, I addressed the topic. Taking my hand, Leonora told me that she still loved me and didn’t want us to split up unless I wanted to. Considering the situation, I told her that I felt the same. Falling in love is not a conscious choice, but a sign that you are still alive. Leaving her because she was still alive didn’t strike me as the right thing to do.

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During the next few days, Leonora and I spent many hours talking about her new romance. Part of me was in shock, while another embraced the situation. Even though we rarely argued, our marriage was no longer a fairy tale. If we kept following our current path, our relationship would not improve. Something needed to change. It was not only my lack of sexual appetite that drained our relationship. We also had other problems. Five years earlier, Leonora had a small business, making her financially self-sufficient, but now she had closed the business. While no longer having professional ambitions, she was relying on me to pay our bills. Things in the home weren’t running smoothly either. Leonora had a set of firm and inflexible values dictating how we decorated the house, what we ate, and how we raised the kids. Trying to avoid too many conflicts, I had accepted that she made all the major household decisions, while I primarily participated as a handyman and provider. When our relationship became too much for me, I usually retreated to a small, quiet rooftop apartment on the second floor of my house.

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THE CURE
A relationship should not be a sofa that has no other purpose than giving you a place to relax. In my view, a relationship should be a place for spiritual and emotional growth, but with our current lifestyle, there was no room for growth. Now, Josh had swept Leonora off her feet, and as a result, she looked happier, more confident, and more beautiful than I had seen her for a long time. With Leonora being under the intoxicating influence of her attraction to Josh, he had become the target of all her relationship urges. Her new focus generated an immense and sudden change, putting an immediate end to all our draining relationship patterns. Being around Leonora without being expected to fill out the role of her husband made me feel free. As a result, I came out of my numbness and became as attracted to her as I had been when she and I had met five years earlier. Each time I saw her, I wanted to touch her, and when getting into bed at night, I was sexually fueled like never before. Just seeing her undress or hearing her voice gave me an instant erection, but I had a serious problem. As Leonora’s focus was now on Josh, she no longer shared my desires. When approaching her, she usually rejected me, and when she decided to have sex with me, she seemed remote while having no presence in her touch. Naturally, this gave rise to much frustration, but despite being rejected, my mind was clear: No matter how I twisted and turned, the situation, Leonora’s new romance, was not a problem but a cure. Her new focus made it possible for us to let go of our old patterns, and the energy this created made me realize that my attraction to her was still alive and kicking.

When moving in with me in my house Leonora had put up a sign on our fridge with the following words:

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never yours anyway.

When first reading the sign, I understood its meaning but didn’t know if I had the resources to follow its recommendation. Giving the people you love total freedom is not easy, but now I had taken the first step to set Leonora free and would find out if I had what it took to go all the way.

With this perspective on the situation, I stayed positive and decided to welcome Josh as a potential friend. A few days after learning about Josh, I therefore asked Leonora if she would mind if I invited him out for dinner.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” she asked, looking totally stunned. “I don’t want you to try to scare him away.”

“I would never do that,” I said with a smile, “but if you and I are going to stay together, I think it’s important that I know your other partner. Josh represents something you have been missing. By getting to know him, I might learn something that helps me become a better partner to you.

“That’s an interesting perspective …,” she said, thinking about it. “I will give you his number and tell him you will call.”

When, later the same day, I called Josh on the phone, he sounded a little cautious.

“And you are not blaming me for what happened?” he asked.

“I have never blamed anyone that they fell in love — on the contrary,” I said, “but I still love Leonora and I’m curious to meet another man who shares my feelings.”

“I’m happy you see it that way,” Josh said. “It will be interesting meeting you for dinner.”

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THE EXTRA PARTNER
A few days later, Josh and I met at a restaurant and spent several hours talking. While exchanging social and sexual perspectives on our relationship with Leonora, our conversation became both insightful and enjoyable. Josh turned out to be twenty years younger than I, good-looking, intelligent, honest, and artistically inclined. His creative and perceptive reflections made him an inspiring conversation partner. During the conversation, I also learned that he and I, in most ways, were as different as night and day. To me, that seemed like a good sign. Surely Leonora had not been looking for someone to replace me, but for someone who could add something new and different to her life.

Before Josh and I said goodbye, we agreed to stay in touch, and a few days later, Leonora and I invited him to our house for coffee. When Josh arrived, the kids were sleeping, and when settling in the living room, Josh and Leonora cozied up on the sofa with their arms around each other. After putting cups and coffee on the table, I took a seat in an armchair across from them. Seeing my wife being affectionate with another man was a strange and unfamiliar experience, making me feel like a third wheel. For five years, Leonora had been my woman, and our dynamic had followed a predictable pattern. Now I found myself outside our relationship, and Leonora and I could observe each other without the usual blind spots of a long-term relationship. The woman sitting beside Josh was no longer my woman, but the happy and inspiring version of Leonora I had fallen in love with five years earlier.

After a few hours together, we were all amazed by the open and transparent energy our meeting created. During our conversation, there were no taboos, and no matter what topic we addressed, we could all be totally transparent.

Before saying goodbye, Josh told us that he was in the process of moving out of a rented room and that he was currently looking for a new place to live. This made me suggest that he move in with us. Leonora and Josh were immediately thrilled by the idea, and within seconds, the decision was made.

“Do you think Josh should pay rent?” Leonora asked, looking at me. “Currently, he is unemployed and not in a stable financial situation.”

“That will not be a problem,” I said, looking at Josh. “I will not expect you to pay rent, but I would be grateful if you could help us around the house.”

“I will be more than happy to do that,” Josh replied. “When I have a job, I will naturally also be able to contribute financially to the household.”

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THE ADVANTAGES
When a week later Josh moved in, I suggested that he and Leonora settle in the bedroom on the ground floor. Josh and Leonora were still head over heels in love, and to give them space to live out their passion, I established myself at my rooftop flat on the second floor. During the next few days, it became more than clear that transforming a five-year monogamous relationship into a polyamorous family was like throwing a bomb under all our habits and routines. Before meeting Josh, Leonora always wanted to know where I was going if I left the house, but with Josh around, she no longer asked me about my whereabouts.

When Josh moved in, we had agreed to explain the situation to the kids, but we soon realized that the kids didn’t need an explanation. From the first day, they both welcomed Josh as a member of the family, and it was also more than clear that he felt great with them. After a few days, he began involving them in household activities, and sometimes he also took them to daycare in the morning and picked them up in the afternoon. His support gave both Leonora and me much more freedom, and when he also offered to accompany Leonora when visiting her parents, I happily accepted his offer. As both of Leonora’s parents were alcoholics, they were not easy to talk to, and meeting them usually drained me.

During our first month as a polyamorous family, I realized that the advantages of being three adults in a family were almost endless. As a traditional nuclear family, my life with Leonora had been a constant relay race. When not sleeping, we were busy shopping, cleaning, and taking care of the children. Now, there was always someone in the house cooking and baking bread while creating a homely atmosphere around the kids. When Josh and I occasionally went out playing pool, Leonora would be happy to babysit and have dinner ready when we were back home. The great energy our poly-household created gave me a new perspective on the absurd skirmish, stress, and loneliness that is often the result of establishing a traditional monogamous family. Before Josh moved in, Leonora and I used to fall asleep each evening while trying to watch a film together. Now we would sit in the living room with Josh chatting while sharing our thoughts and feelings about our life together. Having these nightly and openhearted conversations helped all of us a lot and made it easier to relax in the new and unfamiliar setup.

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NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY
The only thing that bothered me about our new lifestyle was my lack of ability to handle the love bubble that still surrounded Leonora and Josh. When they kissed or called each other “sweetheart” while I was around, I felt awkward, and it didn’t make things easier that Leonora showed almost no affection for me. This, combined with the fact that my desire for her had gone through the roof, often made the situation very hard to cope with. There was nothing I wanted more than to be close to her, but as she was completely captivated by Josh, this was not an option. Rather than letting my frustration consume me, I chose to embrace it while trying to learn more about the culture of polyamory. One of the books that helped me had a chapter about something called “New Relationship Energy.”

“New Relationship Energy or NRE is the thrilling, honeymoon-like phase of a new relationship that fills both parties with excitement, obsession, and infatuation. As most people know, NRE can exist in all types of relationships, but is especially predominant in polyamory because it can impact the other partners and relationship dynamics among them.

NRE in a polyamorous household typically lasts between 6 to 24 months but can vary significantly depending on the individuals involved and the dynamics of their relationships.

Transition from NRE to Stable Love:

Once NRE fades, relationships transition into Companionate Love (CL), where deep trust, emotional security, and long-term commitment develop.”

Reading about NRE as a known aspect of polyamorous relationships helped me cope with the situation, but at the same time, the book also seemed too idealistic and out of touch with reality. Throughout my life, I have never moved from an ecstatic honeymoon phase to compassionate love — on the contrary. The honeymoon phase is like a drug that fills your mind with illusions, and when the drug fades and reality kicks in, compassion is rarely the result. Knowing Leonora, I could not imagine that she was capable of being under the influence of an emotional high for 6 to 24 months. Leonora is an impulsive woman who is easily fascinated, but her fascination rarely lasts. As both she and Josh didn’t have jobs and were hanging out constantly, I didn’t imagine that their honeymoon phase would last more than three months maximum. As they were a good match and had many things in common, I didn’t think they would split up when their honeymoon was over. More likely, they would relax, and Josh and I would develop a relationship with Leonora on more equal terms.

After about a month with Josh in the house, I started getting more accustomed to the affection between Leonora and Josh but still didn’t feel comfortable with their sexual activities. One night, the heater in the cellar was broken, and when I went down to repair it, I could hear them making love in the bedroom over my head. Hearing the familiar sound of Leonora’s moans felt like a punch in the gut. Even though the cellar was freezing cold, sweat started pouring down my forehead while anger started boiling in my chest. I have a strong temper and have never been the kind of person who avoids confrontation — on the contrary. As I was much bigger than Josh, I could kick him out of the house in minutes, but it was also clear to me that losing my head would destroy everything. To calm myself down, I put on my headset and played loud music while finishing the task at hand. Afterward, I was tossing and turning in my bed while having a hard time letting go of my frustration. To make myself relax, I kept reminding myself that Josh was not the problem, but the cure. With Josh out of the house, Leonora and I would soon return to the draining patterns of the past, and as a result, I would soon again feel claustrophobic and sexually numb.

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AFTER THE HONEYMOON
After more than two months as a polyamorous family, I started seeing the first signs that the love bubble around Leonora and Josh had begun to crack. When we were all hanging out together, they were more relaxed and rarely kissed or touched each other. Sometimes Leonora even stretched herself as far as to show signs of affection towards me. If she gave me a hug or a kiss, I was open and receptive, making sure to give her space to open herself to me at her own pace.

One night, while Josh was out and the kids were sleeping, Leonora came to my rooftop flat bringing a baby monitor. After making tea, we sat beside each other on my sofa to talk.

“You might laugh at me now …,” she said, sipping her tea while looking thoughtful, “but Josh is beginning to get on my nerves.”

As she spoke, I felt a spark of relief, but at the same time, I was on guard. If the love bubble around Josh and Leonora had burst, Leonora was going to shift more attention toward me. This was obviously what I had been hoping for, but if her relationship with Josh was coming to an end, it could mean trouble. Currently, she and I had left our draining relationship patterns, but without Josh in the house, I was convinced we would soon be back to square one. The thought of being reunited with Leonora was, of course, incredibly enticing, but I was not ready to pay for the reunion with my newfound freedom. Worried that Leonora might consider breaking up with Josh, I therefore rushed to his defense.

“Josh has no kids and has never been part of a family before,” I said. “Suddenly being with us represents a major change for him. He might need some time to adjust.”

“I’m sure you are right,” she said, “but he is sometimes so self-righteous. Not only does he preach what I should eat, but he is also telling me how I should raise the kids.”

“He might not feel that we value him enough,” I said. “Tomorrow we should all sit down and talk about it.”

“Ok,” she said, “but there is also the aspect of money. When he and I go shopping, he never offers to pay. It sometimes feels as if I am his mother!”

“I’m not saying this to put you down,” I said, “but have you considered that your complaints about Josh are the exact same complaints I have had about you?”

“Yes …,” she said, looking guilty. “It’s not easy to admit, but you are right. I totally understand how you have felt the last couple of years. In the future, I will try to give you more space.”

As Leonora and I continued our conversation, we put our arms around each other, and when she suddenly kissed me, I was immediately electrified. Less than a second later, we were both ripping off each other’s clothes before making out on the sofa. It was — without comparison — the most passionate reunion sex I had ever experienced. Letting out two months of saved-up passion brought me to a level of insane desire. Afterward, we went downstairs, filled the bathtub, and sat in the hot water talking until Josh came home.

“You two look happy,” he said when sticking his head into the bathroom, saying hello.

“Yes,” Leonora said. “We had amazing sex while you were out. I hope you will not be jealous.”

“Only a little,” Josh said and smiled, “but I would be a hypocrite if I started complaining.”

“He looked as if he was fine about it,” Leonora said when Josh was gone, “but he might have been pretending. I’d better go and talk to him,”

“Of course,” I said as she left the tub and found a towel.

“It’s probably best if I sleep with Josh tonight,” she continued while drying her hair, “but would you be ok if I sleep upstairs with you tomorrow night? Josh can keep an eye on the kids.”

“I will not just be ok,” I said with a smile. “I would be the world’s happiest man!”

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THE PROOF OF THE CURE
In the following days, Leonora and I started a new chapter of our lives together. Once again, we felt the spark and the freshness that had initiated our relationship years back. After a couple of months as a polyhousehold, I now had proof that Josh had never been a problem, but a cure. The emotional challenge and the frustration I had been facing when accepting Leonora’s relationship with Josh had been extreme, but now I was in the clear. Each day, my endurance was rewarded in the form of a rejuvenated sex and love life with Leonora. Each time she and I touched each other, we were both intoxicated by what I could only define as “New Relationship Energy”. Even though she and I were both high on emotions and desires, I was determined to make sure Josh never felt like a third wheel. When the three of us met to talk in the evenings, I made sure to emphasize my gratefulness to Josh. Sensing my appreciation made it easier for Josh to adapt to the new situation. Jokingly, he said that a little competition never hurts and that he was going to step up in his dating game with Leonora. During the following weeks, he gave Leonora more space and started applying for jobs in the hope that he could contribute financially to the family.

To remind myself of the challenges I had overcome, I bought a beautiful frame for the sign on the fridge and put it on the wall of my rooftop flat. Every morning, I looked at it with a deepened understanding of its message. Without a shadow of a doubt, I was one of the few people who could say that I understood the true meaning of this sign.

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THE CULTURE AROUND US
After three months as a polyamorous family, Leonora and Josh were still living downstairs, creating the core of our family. In that way, Josh had taken over the role of the husband, and I had become the lover with whom Leonora occasionally had magic experiences. In that way, our life together worked flawlessly, but seen from the outside, it didn’t seem that way. One day, Josh told us that his parents kept asking questions about his new girlfriend and that they were eager to meet her.

“I have tried to make them understand what it means to live as a polyamorous family,” he explained, “but no matter what I tell them, they keep concluding that you and Leonora must be in the process of splitting up.”

“Then you'd better invite them to visit us,” Leonora said. “In that way, they will begin to understand.”

A few days later, Josh’s parents arrived at our house. When we all met in the living room, the kids were playing on the floor, and Leonora and I sat beside each other on the sofa. After inviting his parents to sit down, Josh went to the kitchen to fetch freshly baked cake and tea. During his absence, Leonora and I tried to start a conversation, but the parents looked a little uncomfortable and were not very responsive. Josh’s parents turned out to be around the same age as me, but they clearly had more traditional values. When Josh was back, his parents eased up a little, and to make them relax even more, I took the kids outside to play. While getting the kids dressed in the corridor, I could hear the conversation in the living room picking up.

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THE FOURTH PARTNER
About four months after Josh had moved in with us, we all went on a two-week vacation to a rented house in Spain. After spending a few days together, I decided to break away for a solo hike in the nearby mountains. As I walked through the landscape, I was once again struck by the sense of freedom our new lifestyle had given me. Just a year earlier, Leonora, the kids, and I had been on a similar vacation, but back then, Leonora was not happy if I wanted to spend time alone. But now, with Josh in the picture, things had shifted. Living as a polyamorous family, Leonora was always supportive and encouraged me to follow my passions and do whatever made me feel fulfilled.

As I hiked, I started to consider ways to expand my newfound freedom. When Josh first moved in, my mind had been clouded by a constant craving for Leonora’s attention. Now that things had settled between us, I started considering the possibility of exploring relationships with other women.

A couple of years earlier, I’d had a brief affair with a woman named Sandra, but my relationship with Sandra had made Leonora jealous. To avoid drama, I decided to stop seeing Sandra, but now I was convinced that Leonora would be more open. When we came back from Spain, I called Sandra and told her about our new lifestyle. Sandra was still single and excited to hear from me, and was more than happy to meet up again. When telling Josh and Leonora about my conversation with Sandra. Josh congratulated me warmly, but Leonora didn’t look happy.

“I hope I can be as generous as you were when I started dating Josh,” she said thoughtfully.

“Sandra is a wonderful person,” I said, trying to reassure her. “She will be happy to meet the three of us and learn about our lifestyle.”

“Okay,” Leonora replied. “That sounds like a good start.”

A few days later, Sandra visited our family for dinner, and while Josh was reading a goodnight story for the kids, Sandra, Leonora, and I sat in the living room talking. Leonora was friendly and totally open and even gave Sandra an apology for not having invited her to our house when I had first met her.

When I started dating Sandra, the dynamics in the family once more changed. Owning a flat in town, Sandra had no urge to move in with us and preferred a casual relationship, meeting me once or twice a week. Even though Sandra and I entered a honeymoon phase, it didn’t take my attention away from Leonora. When Leonora occasionally visited me in my rooftop flat at night, we still had amazing sex and great conversation.

One evening, the family went out for dinner at a restaurant in town. When, at the end of the evening, we were ordering dessert, a former neighbor of mine called Jane, randomly passed our table. Jane was on her way home with her new boyfriend, and when she saw me, she introduced all of us to her boyfriend. Following Jane’s introduction, I introduced everyone around the table to Jane and her boyfriend.

“This is my wife Leonora,” I started, before nodding to Josh, “and this is her boyfriend. The woman beside me is my lover Sandra, and these are Leonora’s and my kids.”

While I was talking, Jane’s boyfriend’s face lit up in excitement, while Jane’s smile froze.

“Amazing!” the boyfriend burst out. “Living in total transparency with more partners must be great. How do you guys handle jealousy, and doesn’t it create drama when …”

“Be respectful!” Jane interrupted him. “They are not here to be interrogated by us.”

Before any of us managed to respond, Jane grabbed her boyfriend’s arm and dragged him off without saying goodbye.

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THE FIFTH PARTNER
On the way home, we were all joking about the incident, but little did we know that big changes were once more on the way. This time, the changes would create an even bigger emotional turmoil than when Leonora met Josh.

It all started when I was attending a party in town and started chatting with a woman called Anna. Anna was bisexual, had a curious and open mind, and turned out to be in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. After a few hours of great conversation, it was clear that Anna and I had a strong connection, and when the party ended, she invited me to her flat to continue our conversation. As we arrived at Anna’s flat, we had hardly closed the door behind us before chemistry took over, making us head directly for her bedroom. When looking back at my first night in Anna’s bed, I still consider this evening one of my happiest moments. While having amazing and passionate sex with Anna, I concluded that my life would not be able to improve from here on. A few months earlier, I had been stuck in a claustrophobic marriage, feeling numb while never having a minute to reflect. Now I had three amazing women in my life, a friend in Josh, endless freedom, and while also having developed a much better relationship with my kids.

After staying for the night in Anna’s flat, I went home in the morning and met Leonora and Josh in the kitchen. When Josh asked where I had been, I told them about Anna, and they were both happy on my behalf.

“Are you telling us that she is bisexual?” Leonora asked with excitement. “Do you have pictures of her?”

A moment later, we were all looking at Anna’s social media account while Leonora’s smile broadened.

“She is stunning!” she concluded. “I haven’t had sex with another woman since I was a teenager. Do you think she would be interested if I asked her out for a date?”

“She said she would be happy to meet the other members of my family,” I said. “So, I cannot imagine she would say no.”

When, a few days later, Leonora came home after meeting Anna, she was more than pleased. Most of the evening, they had been sitting at a bar kissing, and before going home, they ended up in Anna’s bed, having a great time. During the following weeks, Anna started visiting our family, and both Leonora and I were on top of the world with excitement, but we had a problem. To understand the problem, I need to quote a passage from my book about polyamory.

Primary and secondary partners within a polyamorous relationship:

In a polyamorous relationship, the terms ‘primary’ and ‘secondary’ partners describe the level of commitment between partners. However, not all polyamorous relationships use these labels, as some prefer an approach where all partners are equal.

The primary partner is typically the person with whom you share the most significant level of commitment. This usually includes living arrangements, shared finances, children, life goals, and life choices. The primary partner comes first in terms of time, energy, and emotional and financial investment.

A secondary partner is someone you may still love deeply, but the relationship is generally less entangled regarding living situation, finances, and commitment. The relationship is more casual, while rarely based on long-term planning.

In our setup, I had made it clear to everyone that Leonora was my primary partner. In that way, Sandra and Anna automatically had the status of my secondary partners. Making this clear made it much easier for both women to accept that I would always stick to my relationship with Leonora and the kids if problems arose. Leonora — on the other hand — never made this distinction, and in her relationship with Josh, Anna, and me, she related to us on equal terms. The fact that Leonora did not relate to me as her primary partner was not a problem for me. It gave me much more freedom and balance when she was dividing her relationship urges between several people.

One night when Sandra was visiting us, we had a conversation about Anna. Sandra had no problems with Anna, and the way she saw it, my relationship with Anna didn’t disturb her relationship with me, but Josh felt differently.

“Anna is an intelligent woman,” Josh said, “but I sense that she has an agenda that she is not open about.”

“What kind of agenda?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” he said, “but it sometimes feels as if she is trying to sidetrack me.”

“I don’t agree,” Leonora said, sounding irritated. “I think you are jealous, and instead of trying to put Anna down, you should just be honest.”

“I might be jealous,” Josh admitted, “but when Anna is around, you often ignore me.”

“But perhaps the two of you should talk to Anna about it,” I suggested.

“I don’t want to talk to Anna about this,” Josh said. “It wouldn’t change anything. This is a problem between Leonora and me.”

His strong reaction took both Leonora and me by surprise, and after the conversation, she and I didn’t know how to handle the situation.

A few days after our discussion, Anna invited all of us for breakfast at her place. Josh didn’t want to go, but he also didn’t try to stop Leonora from going. When Leonora and I arrived at Anna’s flat, we all sat down to talk, but after a few minutes, Anna threw herself on my lap, and when she and I started kissing, Leonora joined us. Seconds later, the three of us landed in Anna’s bed. With our arms around each other, something happened that took me by surprise. Until that point in my life, I had only been in threesomes based on sexual attraction, but this was different. Leonora and I loved each other, Anna and Leonora loved each other, and Anna and I loved each other. While being close in Anna’s bed, none of us needed to be careful or worried that one of the others would feel like the third wheel. The only thing we all felt was genuine love and mutual attraction among all three of us! Naturally, three people cannot gaze into each other’s eyes, but as we all lay naked in Anna’s bed, I experienced a magical and healing energy. The space we created together was nothing less than out of this world. While melting in each other’s arms, I was turned on like never before, but at the same time, I was not eager to have sex. All I wanted to do was to let go and let my tears flow. This was not the tears of happiness or sorrow, but what I can only describe as an ejaculation through my eyes. Eventually, we also started having sex, but I had no urges to ejaculate — all I wanted was to be as near as possible to these two amazing women. When a couple of hours later we left Anna’s flat, I was energized like never before. Making true love to two women while they were making love to each other is still today the single most spectacular and loving experience in my life.

When Leonora and I were back home, Josh was waiting in the living room, looking worried. In her usual unfiltered fashion, Leonora immediately started telling Josh what had happened and that he should come along next time. As I had expected, Josh didn’t take the news well. In the following days, he and Leonora were not on good terms, and a few days later, Leonora informed me that she couldn’t handle his jealousy any longer. As a result, she told Josh to pack his things and move out. When I offered to mediate, Leonora said that she needed a break from Josh, but that she might want to see him as a friend in a couple of months.

In this way, our family once more changed its structure, and, as Josh moved out, things started spiraling out of control. It was naturally no surprise that Leonora turned more of her attention towards me, and soon she also asked me to move back to the bedroom on the ground floor. After having regained my freedom, I told her that I would stay in my rooftop flat, but as I had expected, Leonora was not too happy about being rejected. In the following weeks, she started airing her frustration, and it was not hard to see where this was heading. Without Josh in the house, I had once more become the target of all Leonora’s relationship urges. As a result, she and I were now on the path back to our former relationship patterns. Luckily, Anna still visited us regularly, making Leonora more playful and less possessive. While trying to hold on to my freedom without Josh in the house, something dramatic happened. Something that changed everything and took all of us further out of our comfort zones than ever before.

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THE THIRD CHILD
When the change struck, I had just come home after taking the kids to daycare. While I was sitting by the kitchen table working on my laptop, Leonora sat in front of me. When she told me that we needed to talk, I knew that the next words leaving her mouth would change our lives forever.

“I’m pregnant!” she said, awaiting my reaction.

For a few seconds, my heart stopped, and while I contemplated the news, I felt convinced that the child was not mine.

“Have you told Josh?” I asked. “I’m quite sure this must be his child.”

“This can only be your child,” she said.

“How can you be sure?” I asked.

“Josh cannot have children,” she said. “He had a sperm count a few years ago and cannot have children.”

“But this sort of thing can change over time,” I said. “Is there a way to find out who the father is before you give birth?”

“Yes,” she said. “I already asked the doctor, but the procedure involves a small risk that I will lose the child.”

“Then we should wait,” I said, “but Josh needs to know that you are pregnant.”

“I don’t see why,” she said. “This is none of his business.”

In the days that followed, Leonora and I kept debating the situation. While I tried to convince her that Josh was the father, she tried to convince me that I was wrong. I could naturally follow her reasoning, but to understand why I was not open to logic, I need to say a few words about my personal view on the meaning of life. I never had faith in a specific religion, but I believe that there is no other purpose in life than spiritual growth. Humans are put on this earth to evolve and to grow emotionally and spiritually. If I wanted to determine who was the father of Leonora’s next child, I only needed to ask myself the following question:

To what extent would Leonora and I grow spiritually if she and I had another child?

With my knowledge about Lenora, I didn’t need clairvoyant abilities to predict the outcome: If I were the father, Leonora would let go of Josh and put all her focus on me. With a new baby in the house, both of us would have our hands full while trying to handle sleep deprivation, feeding challenges, a crying baby, diaper changes, health concerns, relationship strain, and household responsibilities. When not being part of the parenting process, I would need to work hard to ensure that we could pay our bills. When no longer seeing Josh, Leonora would become increasingly possessive. Soon, she would look back at our polyamorous lifestyle as a failed experiment and no longer welcome Sara and Anna into our home. In other words, if Leonora and I had a third child, we would return to our old and draining relationship patterns and be trapped there for many years.

If (on the other hand) Josh turned out to be the father, things would move in a very different direction. As a new father, Josh would become more grounded, and as a result, he would find motivation to get a job, making it possible to take responsibility for his child. This would inevitably make Josh more attractive in Leonora’s eyes, and while working hard to cooperate as parents, their relationship would deepen. As Josh was not a good provider, Leonora needed to step up and take more financial responsibility. Either she would reopen her business or get herself a job, which would help her let go of her financial dependency on me. While she was busy with all of this, I would have plenty of freedom to continue learning more about polyamory.

In other words, if I were the father, we would all be stuck, and if Josh were the father, we would all evolve.

When seeing things from this perspective, there could be no doubts about the outcome of Leonora’s pregnancy: Either Josh was the father or my philosophy about the meaning of life needed serious revision.

When a few weeks later Leonora received a call from Josh, she forgot that her pregnancy was none of his business and told him everything. Hearing the news fueled Josh with endless enthusiasm, and when the kids were sleeping, he dropped by to visit us. Over coffee, we sat down in the living room and talked about the situation.

“I know you are both convinced that I’m the father of the child,” I said, “but my intuition says otherwise. None of us can with certainty know. I hope we can all stay open to the result.”

According to Leonora, there could be no doubt, but Josh was open to my line of thinking. During our conversation, he also told us that he was still in love with Leonora and that he hoped she would take him back. Following a positive and honest conversation, Leonora once more opened her heart to Josh and hugged him before saying that she would give him one more chance. The following weeks, Josh sometimes came to stay with us, and a few times Leonora and Josh even went as far as to go for antenatal classes together, but the peace didn’t last long. A few months later, Leonora once more broke up with Josh, and during the following period, my relationship with Leonora was in a worse state than ever. On an almost daily basis, she had huge mood swings while complaining that I was spending too much time with Sandra and Anna. Being pregnant and without Josh to support her, she often felt stuck with the kids downstairs. Seven months into her pregnancy, I reluctantly gave up my resistance and moved downstairs to support her.

On the night when Leonora went into labor, I was working several hours’ drive from our home and had no way of getting home until the next day.

“I need someone to take care of the kids,” Leonora insisted when speaking on the phone.

“Why don’t you call Josh?” I asked. “He will be more than happy to come and help.”

“I can’t handle him right now,” she said. “I’m in pain and need peace of mind.”

“If this is his child, I think he has a right to be around when you give birth,” I insisted.

“I’m tired of hearing you repeat that,” Leonora said. “We both know it cannot be true.”

When I arrived home the next day, Leonora was in the bedroom. Anna was in the kitchen, and to my great surprise, Leonora had also invited Josh, who was on the way. While Anna and I were taking care of the kids, Josh arrived and went to sit by the bed, holding Leonora’s hand until the midwife arrived. After gathering all of us in the bedroom, the midwife gave us instructions.

“I guess you must be the father,” she said while looking at me.

“I don’t think so,” I said, nodding at Josh. “I’m convinced Josh is the father.”

When the midwife looked at Josh, he shrugged and told her that he and Leonora were convinced I was the father.

“Are you telling me that you don’t know who the father is?” the midwife asked, looking totally baffled. “I have been in this line of work for 30 years and thought I had seen everything, but this is not normal.”

Over the following hours, Leonora’s contractions intensified, and Josh and I were just about to get started making dinner when Leonora began moaning loudly.

It was time!

When the birth began, Anna took the kids outside to play while Josh and I went to assist the midwife. This was the third time I witnessed a childbirth. Being a little strategic, I managed to get Josh in the right place to receive the child as it came out. The child turned out to be a boy, but most importantly, the boy had the facial features of Josh. As the midwife told Josh how to cut the umbilical cord, he was all smiles as he received his son.

The same evening, Anna and I slept in the rooftop flat with the kids, while Leonora and Josh stayed in the bedroom on the ground floor with their son. The next morning, Josh’s parents showed up to see the baby. Even though they were also convinced that this was their grandchild, they still asked for a paternity test.

A few days later, the test confirmed what we already knew, and in the following weeks, I witnessed an interesting transformation between Josh and Leonora. As Josh elevated from a short-term romance to the father of Leonora’s child, he became more confident. This, once again, made Leonora open her heart to Josh. While putting her focus on Josh and the child, Leonora loosened her emotional grip on me. As a result, our relationship improved, but at the same time, it became evident that we were about to reach the end of our time as a couple.

For years, I had not considered a future without Leonora, but seeing her happy and relieved with Josh and their baby opened my mind in new directions. Through our process as a polyamorous family, I had seen to what extent a traditional lifestyle made me feel imprisoned. If Leonora and I continued to be together, none of us would ever feel content. While Josh and Leonora had their focus on each other and the baby, I had an open door to leave without creating too much pain and drama. When Leonora understood how I felt, she told me that she now knew that polyamory did not work for her.

During the following months, Leonora and Josh found jobs and an apartment before moving in together. Leonora and I made an agreement that our two kids would stay with me every other week. Having developed a close friendship with Leonora, Anna and I stopped dating. As Leonora was no longer part of my love life, Sandra wanted to take Leonora’s place as my primary partner. As I resisted, she became upset and jealous, and as she built up more emotional pressure, I started feeling claustrophobic, making me decide to break our relationship.

A polyamorous fairy tale can probably never have a classic happy ending, but for me, this was the perfect ending. I had become single, and Leonora and Josh were living as a monogamous couple. In this way, we didn’t all get what we wanted, but we clearly got what we needed.

 

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸✿¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

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TODAY
Today, more than fifteen years later, Leonora and Josh are no longer together as a couple, but the three of us are still in touch regularly. Despite his bad sperm count, Josh later had two more kids with other women. I never addressed the topic with him, but today I’m convinced that his sperm count was a story he made up to make Leonora lower her guard. Whatever the truth, I’m grateful for the result. If Josh had been honest, he and Leonora might never have had a child, and I would have been forever stuck in the lifeless relationship patterns of the past. Instead, I regained my freedom, and since then, I have spent more than fifteen years exploring the outer boundaries of non-possessive relationships.