PREMATURE EJACULATION - OUR APPROACH

It is common for men to have problems controlling their ejaculation. Here, I explain how we work with a physical approach to the problem.

“When I have sex, it rarely takes more than a minute before I ejaculate,” said John when my girlfriend Maria and I first met him at our clinic. “Afterwards, I feel drained and have no energy to continue. Can you cure me?”

“Premature ejaculation is not a disease, and there are no methods that remedy the problem for everyone. A man's lack of control over his ejaculation is related to his sexual maturity, his sensitivity, and his ability to use his sexual resources properly. We want to help you help yourself.”

“Okay,” said John. “I'm open and curious.”

    “Premature ejaculation is very common,” I began. “According to statistics, about 30% of men can only last a minute before ejaculating.”

    “Wow!” said John and smiled. “There must be millions of disappointed women who don't know what to do.”

“Without a doubt,” I said. "But women can help alleviate the problem. However, many women don't like to talk about their disappointment and instead withdraw afterwards. In the women's defense, it should be said that only a few men with premature ejaculation think they have a problem. The fact that you want to do something about it shows that you are caring."

“Yes,” he said. “I really enjoy being able to turn a woman on properly, and it's difficult when I ejaculate before we get started.”

    “That's understandable,” I said, “Do you always ejaculate very quickly when you have sex, or are there exceptions?”

“How quickly it happens depends a lot on the woman,” he said. “But with some women I have more control than with others. Strangely enough, it's often with the women who turn me on the least that I come the fastest.”

“That's quite common,” I explained. "If a woman doesn't turn you on very much, you're probably emotionally closed off. That means you're more focused on your penis and therefore come faster. If you're with a woman you find attractive, you're more present and loving, which can mean you have more control over your ejaculation. However, there are no rules for this kind of thing. Many men experience the opposite."

“The presence aspect is an interesting perspective,” John said, considering it, “but can you elaborate on how I should specifically address my issue when having sex?”

“It is important that you do not only attempt to resolve the issue while having sex,” I said. "You need to take action the moment you feel that you and a woman have mutual attraction. If you tell her before you have sex that you have difficulty controlling your ejaculation, it can help both of you. First of all, she will see you as brave and honest, but she will also understand if you take breaks. This will make her more inclined to stay and get to know you instead of being disappointed and withdrawing afterwards."

“I can see that, but it sounds like a mistake to start a date by saying that I come too quickly,” he said and smiled.

“Not with all women,” I said. “The way I see it, it's better to make a small mistake before sex than to make a big mistake while having sex. If you've prepared her, she can help you not to come.”

“That's true,” he said.

    “What about foreplay?” I asked. “Are you good at it?”

    “Yes,” he said. “Because I ejaculate very easily, I spend a lot of time caressing, massaging, and stuff like that, and make sure she doesn't start satisfying me.”

“Good,” I said. “Then we can talk about what you do while you're having sex. Do you have any methods you use to last longer?”

“I think I've tried everything,” John said. "I often try to avoid getting too excited by thinking about something I find repulsive. In addition, I've tried masturbating before sex and have also tried a numbing spray that makes me less sensitive. The problem, however, is that this approach means I'm not fully aroused, which ruins part of the experience. Sometimes it helps to take deep breaths when I'm close to coming. In addition, I can also avoid climaxing if I smoke cannabis or drink alcohol before having sex. I usually try to pause when I am about to climax. However, it is not always easy. When a woman becomes very aroused and urges me to take her harder, I cannot bring myself to stop, and then, naturally, things go wrong. Whether I pause or ejaculate, I ruin the mood."

“If you've prepared her for the problem, pausing is best,” I said. “In addition to that, it's also important that you consider the way you pause.”

“The way?” John said, looking questioning.

“Yes,” I said. “Taking a break to avoid climaxing can kill the energy, but taking breaks for other reasons can create more energy and turn her on. For example, there's a break when you put on a condom. Are you good at handling that kind of break?”

“Not particularly,” he said. “Sex is something that often starts in a fluid motion. You hug or start kissing, and then you're off. Stopping to put on a condom is always a turn-off.”

“It doesn't have to be that way,” I said. "For example, I like to tie up my partner or turn her on by ordering her to strip or satisfy herself while I watch. Many women are turned on by being a sex object for a man they find attractive. If I just turned off my brain and followed my instincts, I wouldn't be able to get a woman to perform at her best when we have sex. Because I feel this way, condoms or other types of breaks are never a problem—quite the contrary. Sometimes I tell her to put the condom on while I tell her what's going to happen next. That way, putting on the condom isn't an awkward pause, but part of the sexual game. If you take full control of the breaks, you can also choose to have sex for 10 seconds at a time and let her beg you to continue every time you pause. It's better to take a break to increase the excitement than to avoid climaxing.

“I'll try that,” he said, brightening up, “but I don't have much control when I'm having sex. The problem is that I often go into a trance, which means I usually do pretty much the same things every time.”

    “Most people turn off their brains and follow a set routine when they have sex,” I said. “That means their sexuality doesn't develop. For example, if you always play sports the same way, you stop developing your skills. To develop, you have to dare to be playful and experimental and constantly challenge yourself and break your patterns.”

    While I was talking to John, Maria sat down in an armchair in front of us. At my request, she let her dress slide up so we could see that she wasn't wearing any panties.

    “We can start with an exercise where we help you break your sexual patterns by trying to turn you on while you are mentally present,” I explained. “What happens when you look at Maria right now?”

“She looks incredibly sexy,” he said.

“Are you aroused?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said and smiled. “I have to admit that.”

“So right now you're both turned on and present,” I said, “Have you tried this before?”

    “I don't think so,” he said, “and I'm heterosexual, so it's also new for me to be turned on while sitting and talking to another man.”

“Fine,” I said. “That means we're breaking your sexual patterns. Do you think you could get a little more turned on while we continue our conversation?”

    “How?” he asked.

“For example, you could take off your clothes and lie down and cuddle with Maria on our couch,” I said, pointing to the couch. “While you're lying together, you and I will continue talking.”

Shortly after, John had taken off his clothes and lay down on his back on the couch with Maria lying on his chest.

“This is definitely a break from my sexual habits,” John said as he put his arms around Maria. “I'm very turned on now and I'm not sure how to behave.”

“It's perfectly okay for you to touch her body and enjoy the situation,” I said. “Beyond that, you can try to maintain your presence and continue talking to me.”

    As the conversation continued, John and Maria caressed each other, and after a few minutes, John seemed to relax more.

“Now you're in a state where you're turned on without being in a trance,” I said to John, looking at Maria and asking, “Are you turned on too?”

“I'm not super turned on,” she said, “but I'm enjoying it and feeling comfortable.”

“Maria gets turned on by being submissive,” I said to John. “And therefore gets turned on by me ‘edging’ her—that is, taking her to the brink of climax and stopping just before she comes.”

“Why is that?” John asked, looking at Maria, who smiled.

    “When I edge her daily, she gets a high level of sexual energy,” I explained. "That means not only that she's always ready for sex, but also that she leaves control of her orgasm to me. We could ask Maria to do the same exercise with you."

    “That would be interesting,” said John, whereupon Maria got up and began giving John a full-body oil massage.

    “Is there anything I can do to improve my technique?” asked Maria a few minutes later as she was massaging John between his legs.

“You're incredibly skilled,” John said with a smile. “I don't think I could do it better myself.”

    As Maria intensified the massage, John suddenly looked at me in a slightly tense manner.

    “I'm dangerously close to ejaculating,” he said. “What should I do?”

    “Just explain to Maria how she can continue without you ejaculating,” I said, whereupon John began to instruct Maria.

    “Try to stay focused on our conversation,” I said when John had begun to relax again. "With your next six partners, you can practice staying in control, being more aware, and being able to make decisions. This will make it easier for you to cooperate with your partners and at the same time increase your sexual maturity. That way, over time, you will have more and more control over your ejaculation when you have sex." .

    “That's a fantastic prospect,” said John as he looked at Maria, “and at the same time, I can feel that it's important for me to learn to relax as I am doing now.”

“Exactly,” I said. “For some men, premature ejaculation is an escape mechanism because they don't dare to be mentally and emotionally present while having sex. Right now, you are learning to enjoy being present.”

“It's very pleasant,” he said. “Is there anything else I can do to control my ejaculation better?”

    “We can try to give you a small orgasm without you ejaculating,” I suggested.

    “A small orgasm?” he asked. “What does that mean?”

To demonstrate, I asked John and Maria to switch places so that Maria was lying on the couch. Then I found a vibrator and began to stimulate Maria.

    “Maria is about to have an orgasm,” I said as she began to moan loudly. "When she orgasms, there is a large energetic discharge. If you are able to tune into her orgasm, you will be able to go along with it and experience it as if you are also having a small orgasm."

    When Maria shortly afterwards went into ecstasy and had an orgasm, it was clear how much John enjoyed the experience.

    “Could you feel it?” I asked when Maria had calmed down.

“It's probably something I need to practice...,” he said. “But I can feel that I released some of my lust when she had her orgasm.”

    “That's good,” I said. “How do you feel right now? Do you feel released or unfulfilled?”

“This is the first time I've tried to get turned on without ejaculating,” he said. “Right now, I feel relaxed and relieved.”

    “You are, of course, always welcome to come back and continue working on increasing your sexual presence,” I said as Maria got up and gave him a hug. “If you meet a woman who is open to it, you can also invite her along and then the four of us can continue working together. It will be much easier for us to help you if we can also give instructions to your partner.”